I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
