I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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