so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
