meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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