my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
