so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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