They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need to calm my uterus...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
