On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
