The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
