Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
