woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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