My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
