Hey man sorry I got all grabby
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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