Duck Duck Cougar?
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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