WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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