I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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