Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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