i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
