my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
