I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
