Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
