i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
