Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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