I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
