if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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