never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
