somebody snuck up and got me drunk
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Two words: nipple clamps
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