Umm I'm too high to move.
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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