Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
