I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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