please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
