and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
