your thong is hanging out like whoa
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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