I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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