So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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