You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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