She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
