I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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