I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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