After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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