she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
