Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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