He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
