Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
