Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I need to align my fucking chakras
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
