sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
