I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
