You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
