i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
