Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
It's just like the Real World with babies
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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