Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
