We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
